This week’s Quote for Anxiety: “Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It creates the failures. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”
Anais Nin (1903 – 1977) French-born American writer.
What happens when someone is desperate for love, or very anxious to get someone to love them?
I can think of 4 things that many people do to get love, but usually end up with rejection.
- Do you give others excessive compliments and at the same time put yourself down? Saying things like ‘I wish I could be clever like you. I’m just stupid.’ If you’re prone to doing this, you’ll have plenty more examples of your own! Unconsciously you’re hoping that these sorts of compliments will get the other person to love you. It’s more likely going to backfire. Excessive compliments don’t attract people, but make them feel uncomfortable and puts them off. In the end you feel unloved.
- Some people desperate to be loved might test the relationships to the limit until they’re rejected. The rejection confirms that they were unlovable in the first place and confirms the self image of being unlovable. Sad but true!
- Or the person might overwhelm the recipient of their love with so much attention that it becomes stifling for the other person who then bales out of the relationship – confirming the negative, unlovable self-image. Our behavior always matches our self-image.
- Have you ever sought out people who are ‘not available’ or who are a bit rejecting? The unconscious belief is that there would be something wrong with a person who just accepts you as you are – it does not match your self-image.
Self love is actually very attractive to others and will draw others to you. Learn to love yourself. Getting involved in a wider range of interests can certainly help. If you focus on developing less intense relationships with a wider variety of ‘available’ people you won’t feel so desperate to get ‘love’.
We all want someone to love and someone who will also love us. Love is desirable but not a requirement for happiness. That would put our happiness under the control of someone else. And happiness is, after all, determined by our own thoughts, not by any outside event.